I Hate You Then I Love You
by Smickan
Summary: Song Fic. Kerry writes Smithy a letter explaining how she feels before she goes to see Gina. What does she say....?


**I Hate You Then I Love You**

Dear Smithy,

_I'd like to run away from you  
But if I were to leave you I would die  
I'd like to break the chains you put around me  
And yet I'll never try._

I know things have never been easy for us, and I know I've been the cause of a lot of that. My dad is forever telling me I'm too headstrong, that I don't think before I leap. If only I'd thought this time....if only I'd realise where I belong, where my heart belongs....

_No matter what you do you drive me crazy  
I'd rather be alone  
But then I know my life would be so empty  
As soon as you were gone._

I've made a right mess of my life, Smithy. All I wanted was a family, someone to say 'This is where you belong, Kerry, here with us. We'll forgive all your faults if you'll forgive ours.' That's what family's do right? No. 'Cause they don't. They fall apart and they betray each other and they let you down. Every time, they let you down.

_Impossible to live with you  
But I could never live without you  
For whatever you do  
I never, never, never  
Want to be in love with anyone but you._

My whole world been blown apart, I'm waiting for the pieces to fall to earth. I'm damaged goods. I can't see how anyone would want me – least of all you. You could do so much better, and yet you keep coming back. You never learn. And if I'm truthful, I don't want you to. I love you Smithy.

_You make me sad  
You make me strong  
You make me mad  
You make me long for you. _

You make me live  
You make me die  
You make me laugh  
You make me cry for you.

We've been through so much together, you know me better than anyone and, I believe, I know you better than anyone else. Times have never been right for us. If I'd never listened to Gabriel, I'd have tried to put everything behind me....I'd never have got in this mess, never have dragged you into it. I was scared and so confused. Like you said, what we had was virtually a couple of one night stands...except it wasn't. It ran so much deeper. What started as lust, turned into love, one I never want to let go of. I'm so sorry.

_I hate you  
Then I love you  
Then I love you  
Then I hate you  
Then I love you more  
For whatever you do  
I never, never, never  
Want to be in love with anyone but you_

I heard what you said to Cameron about me. How I was a slapper, and how I'd slept with half the station. And you're right. I am. I've made so many mistakes, but I was looking for someone to love me....someone to call mine with no conditions. Every so called relationship I've had has always had something hanging on it. Some secret...something that was so wrong. Luke, Nick, Cameron...even you. And Gabriel. You have to believe me, if I'd have known...known what he could do! What he was capable of....you can only hurt someone so much, and after that you can't hurt them anymore.

_You treat me wrong  
You treat me right  
You let me be  
You make me fight with you. _

You make me high  
You bring me down  
You set me free  
You hold me bound to you

I need your help please. I need you to help me make them see. I know so many secrets, things that could blow the station apart. They're all true – however ludicrous they may sound, I can prove them all. As long as I have you by my side, I can do anything – I can finally rid myself of those demons and make things right again. I can finally go back to being Kerry again.

_I hate you  
Then I love you  
Then I love you  
Then I hate you  
Then I love you more  
For whatever you do  
I never, never, never  
Want to be in love with anyone but you  
_

I'm going now. I've rang Gina and I'm going to the station to explain. To see you and to tell you how I feel. Sometimes you think you know what's important then you get a phone call, and you realise you haven't got a clue, except now I know. Things have changed for me and I know what I want. I've finally opened my eyes. I want you, Smithy. I love you.

Kerry xxx

_I never, never, never  
I never, never, never  
I never, never, never  
Want to be in love with anyone but you  
But you_


End file.
